That Nonexistent Spark

Why wouldn't they let me in, I wondered. May be because they thought it was temporary. May be because they'd always get tired after sometime. May be because they were scared when they felt a spark.

Well, I'm glad I didn't get in because I needed a fire.

It started out as a small spark. Our spark was different from all the others. Our spark didn't fly like all the others & our spark never grew into a giant fire like all the others. As soon as I realised who you really were I dumped a bucket of water on it.

That small meaningless spark!

It's gone.

It's gone forever.

And now that spark is nonexistent.

And I'm glad!

The Under-Rated Female Financial Paradox!

A much socially ingrained and biologically inherent societal norm is the tendency for women to put themselves last in virtually all things.

Women are moving forward and making wealth for themselves, sharing equal ranks in more than 40% of the world's wealthiest people as a growing economic force, at the same time these women also fail to build the appropriate net worth. Women can become the richer sex but it isn't happening. This is where the concept of Female Financial Paradox comes in. And it's really interesting given its familiarity with an oxymoron. Many Indian women reach poverty by the time of their retirement even though Indian household savings are one of the highest in the world.

There are reasons:

While the basics of solid financial planing are the same for both men and women, women often face lifestyle and economic issues that require special consideration.
Women tend to live longer than men on an average. At the same time, its women who are more likely to be responsible for the domestic budget and financially supporting everyone in the family, themselves being last in the list.
They don't save money for long term goals but rather for protection against unexpected circumstances at home and hearth.
With a very poorly planned retirement, they turn into stay at home spouses or don't save enough for self.
(Most) Indian women don't take risks when it comes to investment. They would rather go for assured minimal return investments at short term to steer clear of economic adversaries.
Stock exchange and women still seem to appear on flip sides of the action plan.
And unfortunately many women are also raised with the concept that their husbands will take care of the finances, they being the inessential earner in the family. And on the day of reckoning, when they lose their spouse, they are least prepared to handle it.

Ladies procrastinate, they shouldn't. None of us have much time and time is too precious. And it won't be long before we retire and realise the bitter truth.

It is imperative that women realign their priorities and make the financial decisions for their future. In fact if women aren't fulfilled, then it is only possible that women will see others through the same filter of emptiness and led to conflicts.

So ladies, what is the best way to put yourself first?

You are your family's greatest asset. Nothing in your family thrives or succeeds without you being happy, healthy and mentally fulfilled. Having  sound financial plan is the best way to support you and your efforts.

Don't rely on someone else for your financial well being. Educate yourself about investing and money management. Set realistic goals as it is the primary key to your success. Be involved in day-to-day management of your family's finances. Build and emergency fund and don't let fear of failure stop you from investing.

This post has been published here too!

Thanks With A Goodbye

It has been years now, but I find myself getting to know you even more now, may be because your true colors revealed themselves slowly to me! You needn't bother yourself thinking about how well we went together because I won't be asking anybody anything!!
I've found my way out of the hell you created for me and you've found yours, so does it matter?

As I write this down, I still wonder if I'm doing it right, do you deserve a real formal goodbye. Should I really be crying over investing the biggest piece of me in someone so heartless or should I thank myself that it all ended well without me suffering my whole life or dying unnaturally and unknown? I still wonder if I have any words to say and return all your ill will. I guess yes, and here goes the thank you-

“Thank you for listening to me, being my dump bag for all my feelings and secrets! Thank you for taking me at my best and ditching me at my worst, you were of no good I must say! Thank you for taking me for granted and making me your pass time! Thank you for calling me whenever you needed to put something off! Thank you for calling me unfit and leaving me alone in a crowd! Thank you for putting me to a stop when I was feeling low and then making it worse with a nasty rude shallow comment! Thank you for dismissing all my achievements and things that could make me proud and thank you for showing up for all that you promised you'd never be! Thank you for showing me your ego and attitude only because you could find nobody but me who could take it any better! Thank you for giving me a totally amplified emotional ride all the time, making me laugh at one instant and cry at the next! Thank you for tossing all your left over love and care at me like you'd do to a beggar whenever you wanted to clean your space! Thank you for calling me all that could make me feel good for nothing, fit for nothing and go-die- coward! Thank you for splitting me off of my friends only because they warned me of the company I was in! Thank you for making me cry more than you could make me laugh! Thank you for pretending to be the best shoulder when all you were was a damn stake with a killer nail! Thank you for forcing yourself into that special list for those special people in my life just to prove how differently you could lie and ditch and cheat on people! Thank you for all your efforts to make my life as worse as it could be! Thank you for leaving me alone all those nights and days I spent without food and sleep! Thank you for all the tricks you played and for all the sly smiles you gave! Thank you for cheating on me and making me realize I deserved better. Thank you for betraying me and letting me know not all are trust worthy. Thank you for trying to ruin my life and then failing at your own attempt. Thank you for showing me your true colors
before it was too late.

People aren't worth forgiving if all they can do is apologize! There are people who ask for a second chance and then ditch before the next blink! So, I'd like to thank you for spoiling all my memories, wonderful memories, make me hate a whole city, a  wonderful city, and making my life so bitter in a single year that I'm left praying to God not to make me relive it ever again! After all the above, I thank you for all the fake you!

I doubt if I'll ever be able to break up with this strange silent social society that we've created for ourselves. I think it's time to bid adieu, so here's your goodbye.

That's all!

Not everything in life goes as expected.
Sometimes, in fact a lot of times we are disappointed, I am!
And then we start missing a lot of things--food, friends, family, love, hope and may be lots of other things...
We are humans. Made of emotions.
And when it comes to emotions, we crave for them and fear them at the same time..
It's that sudden surge in your heart to pour  out unconditionally in all directions into everything around you.
That mystery of not knowing the depth of your feeling incites the excitement to fall for it.
And even with the fear of getting hurt while it remains shallow as you fall into it proves that it is for real!
For those who measure and confirm every detail can never get through such unforgettable moments of bliss.
Human heart can't be forced, it is or it isn't. If it is, nothing is can harm it, if it isn't, acceptance is really important. It isn't meant to be handled with caution, it's meant to be passionate and understood sans words.
It is adorned with scars of the past on a slate that can't be rewritten or wiped clean. It just has to be this way, memories are precious - good or bad, we cherish them and we must understand that none of them were futile, they all meant to be purposeful for reasons only the universe knows. We hold on to the lessons of the past and that's selfish. But that's okay because may be because we have been selfless for too long.
Its just that all of us need somebody to talk to, about nothing specific, but just like that, to feel good.
Without any questions or answers, but just to know that somebody, someone is around... That's all.

So, this being the last post of 2017, before I begin my celebrations for NYE, I promise that I'm going to let my heart be free from all the fears and love unconditionally. I'll be selfish yet magnanimous. I'll embrace my flaws and work on my strengths. I'll give up anything that bores me or stresses me out. I promise to take up that hobby that I've been wanting to since years. I'll not let the unknown stop me and I'll let my curiosity develop and divulge the mysteries. I'll pack my bags and strike off all the items on that bucketlist.
So cheers! Here's to a new start! Here's to lots of beer and love and adventures! Here's to 2018!

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'Aur Batao'

I know you all must be doing really well, but I'll still take the pains you letting you know that I know all about your whereabouts, what you have been doing since the last 13 years. I know about the fight you had with your sister last Christmas and the one before that with your brother over Diwali. I can narrate the list of gadgets you've used till date. I know all your friends along with their surnames, I know of your school crush and college affair. I also know the person whom you secretly hate. I know what you ate a month ago at a local pizzeria and I also know what you pooped this morning.

I basically know your life in and out even though I seldom talk to you.

I must let you know that even though I know it all, I'm least bothered about it.

I'm that nosy neighbour or that wave away friend whom you only get to hear from once a year on your birthday. I am all of us.

Most of the times when I've called to wish you, you know I have secretly hoped that you wouldn't answer the call and save me the embarrassment. I know this when I receive your text sorrying that you were busy and I got the chance of winding it up easily. 

But then there are those unfortunate times when we do cross each other and have had to talk because we forgot our phones and we couldn't fake talking over it as we walked looking away.

It also happens when one of us accidentally answers the unintended phone call.

So what happens when we finally come face to face?

We wave and hug with a big gaping smile as if we've found our joy.

We ask of each other's well being with banal greetings.

Now comes the challenge of keeping the ball rolling.

Neither of us want to be there, yet we are.

We want to wind it up as casually as we can and leave the scene immediately without looking too rude.

But we still continue saying ‘aur batao‘ again and again as no one wants to be the first person to accept the awkwardness and finish the buffet.

It’s like juicing a sugarcane, by passing it repeatedly through the crusher, only to result in garbage which you don't know where to keep.

And if its the festive time of the year, esp New Year, then you've got nowhere to go.

All year long, a boring answer to aur batao  only meant that you had no news.
When it's the year end, suddenly, 'So what are your new year plans?'  becomes the 'aur batao'  of December and there's nowhere to run.

A boring answer to this would only mean that you don't have a life. Even though the world is up kissing and partying, you'd love to laze at home and sleep.

But for the sake of it, deep in your heart you know that you have to nail it for the social trophy of the year. After all, this is what everybody is going to be talking about all summer for who had the most exciting new year's eve.

Before you ask me 'aur batao', I am going to have a really awesome time on 31st. I'm going to travel to the desert and sleep in my PJs.
Any way, if you have any better, exciting and new comebacks to spool the yarn, please batao in the comments below!

NOTE: If you didn't get the sarcasm in this post, kindly send me a New Year's Card with the answers and I'll explain.

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Intelligence that irks the fire!

To people who lose their breath when they observe a person conduct themselves and are amused by their confidence rather than their physical beauty, do you find it weird to explain?
It isn’t complicated.
A connection that goes far beyond the physical attraction and sexual chemistry is far more important than any other quality in the long run.
Sounds like a paradox? It isn’t.
It’s sapiosexuality - a simple attraction to intelligence above all.

Now, that doesn’t mean that a sapiosexual person won’t be attracted to the physical grandeur of a person. It’s the conversations and the thinking that they value more which help them go the extra mile in the long run.

Well, a sapiosexual person might not necessarily be turned on by sexy abs or a curvy woman, they might again. Yet, one doesn’t have to be Aryabhatta to please a sapiosexual. All you have to do is observe the everyday life and be stimulating with your words. It’s just that wit and intelligent conversations gets them frisky rather than a musky soft foreplay.

Communication and connection is of utmost importance. Looks might fade, but minds last till the end and that’s what keeps them going. Also, sapiosexuals are more likely to have long lasting relationships; after all it’s the mindset that keeps them together.

They are more interested in what their company knows rather than what they have. They have a zest for knowledge, learning and discussion. Hence, they always have a lot to talk about, provided their company can keep up!

And so, instead of being hyped up on the first date itself, these incredible people are more likely to develop an attraction much later after a few simple stimulating conversations. The mental and emotional connection is what gets them amped up.

Ergo, if you are a sapiosexual or happen to have a friend who’s one, go ahead, take them for a walk and talk!

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A Thousand Years...

"Time stands still
 Beauty in all she is
 I will be brave
 I will not let anything, take away
 What's standing in front of me
 Every breath, every hour has come to this...

One step closer..."

A Thousand Years, sung and written by Christina Perri.

Most of us would relate this song to incredible romance and eternal love, perhaps loving someone who gives them the joys of being alive and making promises of being together forever.

But I'd rather have you ponder on a totally different version of mine:
Years have passed but the clock doesn't seem to tick for her. Though she has grown old, and her hair has gotten grey, she is still a beauty. She is still brave and fearless. This woman has always been independent in all ways and so she remains. For years she has fought for her dreams and after so many years, would she let a little rip stop her? She wouldn't fail herself now, not after all that she has been through, not after all that she has achieved, not after where she has reached. She would give her very last breath away fighting for what she deserves, for what she believes in...

Well, the whole song is definitely romantic, and we won't even recall the version above while listening to it as the tune and words melt our hearts.
But then, we gather strength only in scraps and fragments before we rise up as a fighter.
So this is to all women, men and others who are searching for motivation and courage.
You'll find it anywhere you want, even in moments that are terribly depressing!
You only need to be watchful!

This post has also been published here on BlogAdda and here on Women's Web!

Unveiling an Open Secret

Everything in India comes back to family. Acceptance is really important, and whenever someone does something which isn't a norm, they get shamed. Even if their family accepts it, it has to remain a secret. This acceptance should go beyond the household - this includes the society, friends and relatives, neighbours, law makers, and the moral police.

The Hindu tradition is not void of same sex depictions in many instances. Yet, homosexuals continue to be alienated from the social community. Even the law under Section 377 forces criminal charges on any sexual act that is unnatural which has put these sections of the society into terrible stress.

This is even more stressful when it comes to transgenders. Though the society overtly recognises the trans people as hijras or eunuchs, we aren't comfortable allowing them to use a third gender to identify themselves with. This again is kept a secret which everyone knows.

While most of us would easily lay down and revel over gay and lesbian genres in porn, none of us want them to actually live their lives socially. We want their existence to be merely limited to our fantasies. Such genres exist only because these people exist, it's real.

With the number of same sex marriages rising in the country, most of them refrain from publicising their preferences. Even though many metros across the country host gay parties providing a platform for like minded people to meet, they still are organised in secret. Very few people would have even heard the names Gaydar and Gay Bombay. Other social hubs that openly deny any adherence to the LGBTQ+ community only allow secret hangouts instead to prevent interdiction and damage from local politics.

While there is a good number out there who have raced to incredible heights and carved their names on the walls of success, people like Anjali Ameer were too scared to leave their exile. Now she is going to star in a movie releasing this December. Yet there are many who only chose to reveal their identity after they were assured of their protection.

Though the situation in the country has changed now, most of the masses aren't yet ready.
We fail to realise that they are just as real as us. Being hostile towards them won't change the facts. They exist and the earlier we realise that, the better.

Image Source:Youtube

This post was featured on Women's Web. Click here!

There's hatred. And for a good reason!

[Warning: Content is highly misandrist and anti feminist]

Why most of us hate men?

Is it just that we tend to find and fall for the worst ones? The one's we met were flamboyant, shallow, interested only in cricket and sex, insecure, and threatened by any strong woman who came along.

Must we assume that all men are the same?

Are they all rotten humans?

Of course not. Perhaps, such generalisation would be obscure about men.

There are decent men who behave decently. But there are also men who only want those women who do as they are told. Then there are passionate lovers. But there are also those who only want sex. To some beauty is just skin deep, looks don't matter to them and they go marry the one whose heart is beautiful. But no, there are men who only want glamour queens.

Of all the people we know, most seem to be in a camaraderie that do not require one person to be blown at or denigrated by the other. But may be that's what they show. Maybe inside they are just as insecure and hurt as any of us are in our lives and relationships.

Men try real hard to act as if they are loved and wanted by all. Men hate and fear confident women. They are extremely good at manipulating you. No matter how strong, confident and independent a woman is, she has a docile heart, you all do. First they get you used to them, push their schedule into yours, and when you finally make them a part of your lives, they begin to sway. Women are too emotionally dependent by this time and these men know how to make the best of it-- 

--You get ignored, all your plans get run on, and things go wrong, yet you are easily brushed off until its gets uncompromisingly bad. And then you know you are screwed because you know that even though you brought it up late, it was already ruined when he made you an option. Yet you bargain for empty promises, with nothing to show that they were ever made in the first place. You try not to complain or pressurise him even though the problems keep occurring and you console yourself thinking he is working on it. But it gets worse each day and it isn't long before he breaks you just like one of his toy cars.

You can't complain because he never allowed you that privilege, he never promised his love and attention but made sure that he made you dependent enough that way. You can't move out because now you undeniably want him and are ready to do whatever just for a speck of his attention, not that you are desperate, but you want him to reciprocate because you've put in more effort on this supposedly unbreakable connection than you should have. You know that he is indeed a playboy and regret for not having believed his words earlier.

Such men are proud of what they do. They always keep options ready, at least a couple of women whom they lie to, cheat on, and entertain themselves with. But they really know there is no one out there for them. They are not ready to fight. They are too good at keeping secrets and dodging off all kinds of questions that might ruin their well orchestrated plan. They are not ready to accept that they ruined what they did- they killed a heart and broke it into tiny pieces incapable of loving wholeheartedly ever after. They aren't sorry at all.

No matter what they say, it's all just a part of manipulation. They pledge on their 'first' love and pray for another chance.

Dear women, those stories that'd even melt a stone couldn't have created such hardhearted playboys. Such men are not in search of any emotional attachment. And it annoys you that they aren't one bit apologetic about it. But don't hope for a change. Such men do it, again, because they like it. Such men deserve to be never loved, again. Such men deserve hate.

Smarter, wiser and a decade later...

 About 10 years back I craved to become an adult and always wondered how I would feel when it would be 2017.

How excited I was to celebrate my 18th birthday!

Well, now I'm way older than that!

I'm not sad that I grew up so fast, like many of us, I'm just not content with my experiences as an adult.

I always cringe when I think of my younger self.

That could mean years ago, months ago, weeks ago, or even seconds ago.

I always thought that I was constantly growing mentally and that my thoughts and decisions would only get smarter and smarter.

I discovered that I've always been the exact same person, and no matter how reasonable a decision sounds at first, it will always be looked down upon by my future self.

I developed a strange mindset the last two months where I gladly accepted all my bad choices as mistakes because it meant that history wouldn't be repeating itself.

And if it did, then I'd be prepared.

But no.

It's not worth the knowledge anymore.

And definitely not the experience gained.

#ShortStory - Putting Pieces Back Together - 2

Weeks passed and Divyanka still hadn't changed her routine! She quit her job and began to sulk in her loneliness.

"Do they really have such perfect lives?", "Nasty fakers" she thought as she scrolled through the news feed on her Facebook, , more pictures, more love celebrations, her fingers sped.

"Travel to heal your broken heart". Her fingers stopped. For the first time in a long time she saw something that incited excitement in her. She couldn't wait for the sun to rise.

Beeep! Beeep! God bless her timely alarm.

"Morning Pa", she greeted as she jumped out her bed, "I was thinking if I could go on a holiday next week."

"Sure beta, we shall go, where do you suggest?"

"Umm, I was actually thinking of going solo, just so you know...I can have some time to myself, refresh..."

"But beta, it's not..."

"I'll be safe I promise, I'll keep you updated with my location at all times, please pa, let me go!"

"Okay, fine, but not more than 7 days, and talk to your mum about it."

After a long time Divyanka had asked for something, how could her parents deny her?

The next thing she did was book tickets to the North.

It was a wonderful week. She was finally completing her bucket list!

Her pictures read "Solo Trip", "Trekking", "Jungle Walk", "Camping", "Rain Dance" the list went on and her parents phone was flooded with pictures. They hadn't seen her so happy since the wedding. They knew their daughter was back. The week passed quickly.
With shoulders back, brave chest, and smiling from cheek to cheek, a happy Divyanka entered jumping in through the gates. She smiled at her surprised neighbours and waved at the kid next door.
"I'm home!" she cheered.
Her little brother ran to her and hugged her tight. The old couple looked pleased at their daughter's transformation.
"How was your holiday Diva?" greeted her dad.
"Great! How are you all? How's my little bear? I missed you!"
"I missed you too Di, did you get anything for me?"
"Ofcourse I did! Here... " as she handed him his present. She had got souvenirs for all of them.
The family sat together and talked for the rest of the evening, surprised and laughed at the incidents as their Divyanka narrated.
For once, there was cheering in the house. For once, the family was happy again.
There were various plans racing in her mind now...
She soon set up her own art studio and began offering smiles all around. She was independent, energetic, and moreover, happy again!
All she needed was a spark to set her engines running again...

She was a woman who had chosen not to succumb but walk out.  Was she still a good woman according to the society?
It didn't matter to her at all, because she was her priority now.

Note:
We find many people around us, those who have given in to their 'fate', and those who are still fighting it. We, as a society are major hurdles in their lives, in their path of happiness. And for the fear of losing a place in the hypocritical masses, they keep losing a piece of their soul each day.

#ShortStory - Putting Pieces Back Together - 1

With folded shoulders close to the neck, a bent head and tensed eyebrows pulled towards the hairline, a meek and scared Divyanka walked in through the gates.
"I'm going to sleep well tonight", she procastinated.
It was a tiring day for her at work today. In fact she had been having tiring days since many months now.

"Dinner's ready", shouted her mom from the kitchen. Her little brother ran to her for his evening treat as she handed him a perk. 

"I'm not hungry ma, I'll just go sleep."

"You must eat well Diva, skipping meals everyday isn't good for...", the voice faded as she closed the door behind her.

"I've indeed become ugly and lean", she said to herself as she looked in the mirror and splashed her face with water, "I'll follow the schedule from tomorrow".

She pulled out some notes from her bag and began to read it as she lied on her bed. It was a schedule she had made for herself so that she could stay busy, get her life on track again and put her broken pieces back together.
"Yoga at 6, temple at 7, breakfast at 730,  why did he do it...?" (uh oh) (sobs) It had become her routine now. She couldn't fathom what had happened to her and why!

Beeep! Beeep! The alarm was always on time, she never was. She turned it off and went back to sleep. Her days were spent more despairingly in bed and lazing around now. She had a decent job but she wanted to quit.

"You'll be late again for work today Diva, its nine already". Her dad was always her saviour, always there in the nick of time.
"10 unread messages" read her phone screen - "All meeting today?", "At Joe's Cafe @5", "Divyanka pls do come" as she went through her friends' Whatsapp group without replying to any of them.

She rolled her blankets and walked lazily into the shower with smudged eyes from last night's tears.

She quickly got ready, denied breakfast as usual, picked up her lunch and rode off to work just on time!

She had married her one true love (she thought), and ended up living the most regrettable and dreadful phase she could. As she walked, the people stared at her, how a vibrant happy girl had turned into a scared depressed anxious being. She had dreams of touching the sky, but now one could hardly make out between her and a rolling vegetable. He had given her such abusive memories that she couldn't withstand her own presence.
She reached and got busy with her meetings and work. It was the only thing that kept her from wallowing into desolation. It made her feel essential.
She was young and beautiful inside out. Her spirited mind always inspired people. But now she was nothing like before!
May be deep inside she was still there somewhere, but too scared to be her true self, too scared to be hurt again.

Will her scars fade away?

Will she make new memories?

Will she be able to love herself or find her own love?
Will she ever be able to revive herself again?

[To Be Continued...]

Note:
We don't understand how long lasting the damage of abuse can be, psychological or physical. It ruins them for life and no matter how hard they try, they can't get over it.
Women mostly tend to become the victims of domestic violence. We have been taught by our elders that adjustment and compromise is the secret to a happy husband and happy married life.
But how much should we adjust and how far should we compromise?
Should we end up losing ourselves in hopes of saving an abusive and unfruitful relationship?
We must be wary of such offenders, or at least caution the victim if we come across one. We must learn to deny anything that seems to be unfavourable to our healthy mind and body.

How far alcohol?

With the bifurcation of the state of Andhra Pradesh and its new liquor policy (Excise) for 2015-2017, it’s not surprising that an increased number of happy men and women have been entertaining themselves in socializing at hubs and malls and the shy drinkers are all but hoping for discreet delivery of alcohol soon.
Objectifying only women when they drink would be wrong, when the government itself hasn’t discriminated between the genders in its policies; in fact many respectable and fun eateries like 10 Downing Street that recently opened its outlet in Vijayawada are also offering free liquor to women on select days of the week.
When it comes to drinking, most of us discard the mere notion of drinking as bad and irresponsible.
We forget that this tradition has been followed since many centuries in our cultures only that it was ritualistic and ‘occasional’.
But the trend of alcohol consumerism has shifted deftly to more of a recreational and frequent activity and we have been blaming the West for it.
Consuming alcohol isn’t a privilege, its unhealthy and has always altered society into unhappy families, broken relationships, depressed youngsters, suicidal teens and hospitals full of patients with ARLDs (Alcohol Related Liver Disease).
Men and women both should tie down their social statements and limit alcohol consumerism.

[Image Credits: Sonal Kothari]

Just a girl with a heart!

I'm a girl. I'm my pride and my respect. But I want to be like you.
I have emotions but I'd rather dump them elsewhere.
I'm much cooler than the 'other' girls. But no. I'm like 'other' girls. I say I'm not emotional yet I want to be loved. But I'd would rather leave than be left.
I'm a woman and I don't want to lie to myself and take any 'other' man's place. I'd rather remain a woman and fight for my place.
I want to defend myself but I'd rather want someone else to defend me, because I'm tired of doing it all by myself. I want to be told to be proud of myself, for who I am.
I avoid taking risks and don't leave anything to chance. Maybe because I'm insecure or may be because I'm too shattered to be broken anymore.
I've become oblivious to the touch of a person maybe because I've been left petrified for too long.
I plan strategies to escape the reality and then evade imagination. Maybe because the reality is too harsh and the imagination makes me sad.
I've made my choices and I've had my emotional rides, none of which are unfamiliar to me. But I'm still not ready for anything bad.
My heart is broken, or maybe its not because I'm strong and I tell myself that I don't get mushy feelings anymore.
My heart is still beating. It begins to race sometimes and sometimes it skips a beat. It makes me believe I'm alive.
I like the taste of air I breathe. For once in a long time I have begun to breath free.
I've been through things nobody would believe. But I know. And I won't forget because that's what has made me.
Time heals. But more importantly I've healed myself. I've got scars all over me. They still pain but I'm used to them now.
I'm going to get a lot of surprises on the way, good ones and bad. I'm going to fall in love and I'm going to get hurt too. I'm going to take risks and I'll get through.
So what if I'm a girl and I'm emotional? Can't I have a heart yet be strong?
Life is going to be difficult I know. But I'm not scared just because.

Box of Chocolates!

I hate it how people want to know you and talk to you. They want to discover all the mystery that your personality beholds, all the mesmerising newness of a person enchants them and they seem only astonished at how easily you have been able to lock so much magic within yourself until that time.
Until that time when they feel you aren't interesting enough to entertain them. They know everything about you and don't find you different enough to make them hold on to you.
That's the part of this world I don't like.
I don't like how people like to be entertained all the time, with your stories, your thoughts, your language, your smell and color and everything else a normal human has.
Until the time they've heard it all, they know it all and they don't find you as marvelling as they thought you'd be. Because now they know you.
It was you that they found magical and full of fairy tale secrets. For once, magic is enticing, twice, it becomes amusement, the third time its a trick and from then on, its just every day routine. It's just that their curiosity was so well fed by you that they aren't longing for you anymore.
They don't understand how difficult it was for you to open up your self. You are scared of being judged and disappointing those you love by letting down their expectations you never set. You are scared of losing people and things you get attached to, because you change and evolve and you have to let go. So you open yourselves to people you met 5 minutes ago and share your deepest self. It scares you, yet you open up because you are human and you want love and to reciprocate it.
You were like an exotic box of chocolates to them. It wasn't your fault you let them open and see your box of chocolates. And now they know you aren't exotic and now they know your box of chocolates is just like theirs and now they know you are just an ordinary human being. Now they know you are just like them!
Now they won't be as fond of you as they were before! Or maybe otherwise:)

‘This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

#CauseIHaveVaginaRe

Just in time AIB and Kangana!

I am not angry #CauseIHaveVaginaRe

I'm just not surprised!

I won't write much here, just watch this video and get back to whatever you were doing!

Hope(less)

The greatest fear I've ever experienced in my 25 years is the realisation that I'm scared of hope.
It's the most bipolar emotion.

In a single moment, you can go from gazing into a glowing-golden horizon to wallowing in the darkest night of your lifetime.

Still, I won't let the possibility of a dark future shadow my ability to hope, and I won't let the fear of change hold me.

Most importantly, I'll be careful with how I use it, and I'll choose my battles differently.

No more silly hope for cake and ice cream.

But hope for redemption...now that's something worth the fear.

No, I won't let go of that despite the greatest terror.

I overthink, therefore I am!

Thoughts drive me.
Now, many of us are facing the grave danger of using our brains too much and creating problems for ourselves that don't even exist. Then there are those who think and create wonders for themselves out of sheer luck. They are the inventors of the easiest solutions for the gravest times as if its duck soup. Then there is me. I'm a person who might make sense publicly, but inside I'm as good as a dumb donkey who is out kicking it's own ass for no reason there can be. First, I think; there's no good outcome. Then I overthink;  there are dangers present which never existed before.

Last night I sat back thinking how easily more than three quarters of 2017 were already over.
That's when I began to skim through all my posts over the past months and I must say I indeed have been scary.
In reality, I'm not scary, and I'm not full of hate either, in fact I love to love and be loved back.
And now I'm in a position to either delete them posts or let them just be as an evidence of what I've been through and been doing all this time.
I'm sure I'll find this post as cringe worthy as my previous articles now, yet I write.
The amount of growth I achieved in the last year has been incredible and I'm thankful to all those who helped me achieve it. Coming this far wasn't easy.

Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, rape for rape!

Today I came across a Panchayat news and there couldn't have been a better example of our world, where we are headed and evidence of our increased inhumanity and sloppy judgement.

News as reported by CNN: Village elders ordered the rape of a 17-year-old girl after her brother was accused of raping another girl in Pakistan.

Here's what happened:
A man raped a 12-year-old girl while she was cutting grass.
Post contemplation, the elders declared that as vengeance, one of the sisters of the first attacker would be raped for the crime.
The second victim's 'mothers and sisters'  protested this but the elders brought out their guns and threatened to kill them.

An eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth was considered amicable justice in the past but we have moved on from the conventional times to a more just age where various other factors are considered before passing such crude judgements.
Going by the proverb, the elders must have ordered rape of the culprit. (Seriously considering rape for a rape is just so barbaric.) But thankfully, they didn't. They rather 'ordered rape of the culprit's sister'.

Now would that be just on the part of the girl? Who should she look upon for a revenge and justice? Did she deserve it for whatever her brother did? Does anyone even deserve rape?

By passing a judgement that serves rape as punishment implies that the offender deserve rape.
No body deserves rape, not even the rapist.

It is not the first time a woman has been raped as a form of punishment which is far more than that. Men or women, rape is irreparable. It's the most inhumane form of cruelty that we can inflict upon each other. It damages a person physically and psychologically. Moreover our society and it's norms have made it even more difficult for victims to come out with it. They survive for the mere sake of survival.
Our society has limited our existence to the bare holiness and purity of skin, body and most importantly genitals of the victim only who also is a woman. If any of these is untouched, a woman is fit for a family, unless otherwise.

By raping a woman we destroy the honour of her family, and all those people who she belongs to. And most depressingly, women are not human beings. Women are perceived as property. To own. To sell. To destroy. To rape. To enslave.

Yet we go about happily with our life as if nothing is wrong and carry on with our misogynistic norms. We, who destroy these women, want to live a fulfilled life yet expect the women to only survive with guilt because living is only for them who haven't committed a crime of being raped.
For all that has happened, and for all that we have done, it's not them who should be ashamed, but us.



This post was published here as well!

 

T[op image credits DVIDSHUB, used via Flickr under a Creative Commons license 2.0; Used for representational purposes only]

Safer a cow than a woman!

HEADLINES: A photography project featuring a woman wearing a cow mask created furore nationally!

Photos featuring a woman wearing a cow head was featured as a part of a photography project went viral and many Hindu nationalists seemed to disapprove the insult that was being cause to their 'gow mata' and demanded that the pictures be taken down immediately.

Well, a few more incidents that took place over the past few years that has enough offending material to qualify for the headlines:

NEWS: A girl raped in a bus on her way back from the cinemas with her friend.

Yes, this is the Nirbhaya rape case which provoked the ire of almost every human. The accused were caught and yes, punished too. But did it lead to mass murdering or any kind of lynching? No.

In fact, even after the horrid incident, the rapes and harassment or women didn't seem to subside.

Well, Nirbhaya, who seemed to have enough evidences against her offenders took so many months for a judgement just enough that she couldn't see it happen.

Another news just a few weeks before the Nirbhaya rape case:

NEWS: A Muslim man lynched for storing and consuming beef allegedly at their home.

A man and his family were rumoured to be consuming beef, meat derived from a cow, at their home in Uttar Pradesh, India. Well, that man was killed and his son was left seriously injured as a group of more than hundred men barged into their house smashing everything in the way including doors and windows.

Though it was later confirmed that the family hardly had any beef in their fridge, it was mutton, the so called justice didn't take any more time to be rendered than the rumours took to spread.

Most of the Indians regard cow as a sacred animal. We pray to her, she is our goddess, she gives us milk, she is a meek, soft animal who shelters anyone who comes to her. So whenever a cow is hurt or is killed by anyone, we think "How dare they insult and kill our mother cow?" 

But these same people also regard many women as goddess and pray to them day and night, Kali, Saraswati, Sita, Mother Mary, Mother Earth and so many others. Women protect anyone who is around them, their family, their children, also, these are the same women who feed their babies with their milk just like cows,  women are also human if any of you had failed to notice.

Why don't we get as aggressive when a woman, a form of these goddesses, is torn apart and scarred for life? Where do these nationalists go then?  How are women any less? Are we even supposed to compare a woman with an animal? Is this where our humanity has brought us? The furore over the cow masked lady? And when harm is caused to a woman, we all go inside and sit quietly in our homes waiting for the drama to subside outside.

(No offence here, I'm a veterinarian and I'm definitely against animal slaughter.)

Well, what do we understand from this?

Cows in India are safer than women.

There are so many things wrong with our society here that all of us have failed to notice.

This post was featured here!

[Image credits: Sujatro Ghosh, the man behind the photography project mentioned here. More about the project here.]