The Feels of Anxiety
I'm not a good conversationalist and it makes me seem like a shitty friend. I don't jump into conversations. I'm quiet in groups and people assume that I'm sitting there, judging them.
But I'm just in awe of how easily they can communicate. How natural it is for them! How human they are!
I'm terrified of talking on the phone and starting conversations with strangers. I'm even scared of texting certain friends and coming on too strong. So I wait too long to answer back.
I don't let on that I care. But I care more than anyone realises. I care so much that it hurts. I don't reach out to people.
I come across as a snob, because I find it hard to talk, hard to force a smile.
But I'm not trying to be rude. I'm only trying to survive.
They just think I'm quiet, shy. They don't realise I have anxiety, because I'm not shaking at the table and hyperventilating into a paper bag.
And if someone happens to talk to me, I freak out so badly that I go around telling people the whole conversation just so because my anxiety tells me they could turn up against me and no matter what I must make sure that doesn't happen and that person doesn't dare talk to me ever again.
My meltdowns happen before I see them. The night before, on my drive there, on my bike - I'm freaking out the entire time imagining all the things that could go wrong, picturing how embarrassed I'll be. But when I'm finally in public, I internalise everything- I'm still anxious, I'm just not showing it. Secretly, I'm freaking out over what I look like. Freaking out over what to say next. Freaking out over why someone across the room gave me a strange look.
And if I need to compose myself, I escape to the bathroom and breathe heavy inside a stall or splash my face with water and then walk back into the room like I'm perfectly fine.
But I'm not fine.
Anxiety makes sure I'm never fine.
It makes me turn down opportunities that I know I'd enjoy.
It makes me stay quiet when I have something important to say.
In all honesty, anxiety makes me look like an asshole!
But I'm just in awe of how easily they can communicate. How natural it is for them! How human they are!
I'm terrified of talking on the phone and starting conversations with strangers. I'm even scared of texting certain friends and coming on too strong. So I wait too long to answer back.
I don't let on that I care. But I care more than anyone realises. I care so much that it hurts. I don't reach out to people.
I come across as a snob, because I find it hard to talk, hard to force a smile.
But I'm not trying to be rude. I'm only trying to survive.
They just think I'm quiet, shy. They don't realise I have anxiety, because I'm not shaking at the table and hyperventilating into a paper bag.
And if someone happens to talk to me, I freak out so badly that I go around telling people the whole conversation just so because my anxiety tells me they could turn up against me and no matter what I must make sure that doesn't happen and that person doesn't dare talk to me ever again.
My meltdowns happen before I see them. The night before, on my drive there, on my bike - I'm freaking out the entire time imagining all the things that could go wrong, picturing how embarrassed I'll be. But when I'm finally in public, I internalise everything- I'm still anxious, I'm just not showing it. Secretly, I'm freaking out over what I look like. Freaking out over what to say next. Freaking out over why someone across the room gave me a strange look.
And if I need to compose myself, I escape to the bathroom and breathe heavy inside a stall or splash my face with water and then walk back into the room like I'm perfectly fine.
But I'm not fine.
Anxiety makes sure I'm never fine.
It makes me turn down opportunities that I know I'd enjoy.
It makes me stay quiet when I have something important to say.
In all honesty, anxiety makes me look like an asshole!
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